if it was my last day

 If it was the last day of my life. 

Please forgive me for what I had done.

Before I wrote this I had forgiven all of you for what you had done. 

It was hard to accept honestly and I dont know how to explain it. 

Please don't ask me over my grave. 

If it was my last day.

I just want to be alone with my mind, 

together with a pen and paper. 

I want to write all of it. 

If it was my last day.

I want to sit under a tree without anyone disturbing me. 

Maybe just smile at me if you see me so that I can remember them in my next life. 

Write to me, place it in a bottle maybe a miracle could make me read it. 

If it was my last day to live. 

Tell me that you love me with your eyes,

so I could dive one last time into your soul until it was my last breath.

All I am thirsty for all this while is some connection. 

If it was my last day to live. 

All I need is just to feel my heart.

To feel at peace with myself and smile until I see Him.

A monster and a girl

 A cool wind blew softly.

I saw leaves flying through my window.

It was a sunny and bright.

A day with a gold sight 

When was the last time my heart was soft?

Although my mind always went aloft.

I'm not letting myself becomes a monster.

Although I am, I always wanted to walk besides her.

Her inner beauty, a masterpiece, an art!

A girl with the purest heart!

And here I am always standing close on.

With a foul heart.

Longing to learn the secret of the heart.

But how?

Why?

What?

Where do I start?

As I feel hopeless without answers...

"not all things have answers", said the girl.

You just have to feel it here, 

As she touch my chest I could feel my heart getting warmer and warmer.

No words can describe the touch of your heart.

 

To My Only Heart

 You are always there defending me against my own destruction.

If only I know your language.

I'm trying to listen to your feelings.

As I do not have feelings.

I only find every solution without involving you. 

Dear heart, 

I'm sorry I am cold.

You're always my warmth when there is no solution.

You're loyal although you're a mess. 

Messy in an organized way. 

 Please feel again.

I miss you, my only heart. 

The moon to my sun. 

My relief when there is no way out. 

My path towards salvation. 

Dear heart, 

please teach me your language. 

You are the saviour to this life.

let us work together. 

We're equal. 

Let us have fun while we're at it okay?

Dear Mother

 Dear Mother,

What I want to tell you is,

I love you... from the deepest of my heart.

I didn't realize how much I love you.

All of my anger comes from sadness.

The sadness that I kept inside until now.

The sadness that I feel because of your sacrifice.

You sacrifice a lot.

For being my father when my father was not home.

You manage all of my problems effortlessly;

Until I forgot what you had sacrifice for me. 

Also the sadness of seeing you sacrifice your true self,

In front of my eyes. 

You suffer.

It hurts so much seeing that. 

Please dear mother.

Please just be yourself and love yourself before its too late. 

I love you and now it is okay to let go all of that pain and find your true self.

I always understand your sadness in silence.

In my heart I scream I love you so much that it wont fit out of my mouth. 

It's okay to cry it means that you care a lot.

It's not a weakness. 

But for me it's strength. I know you are the strongest person in my life. 

I love you mother... I love you...

--intan 2.30PM 18/12/2022

Between two realms

Peace be upon you.

I hope you can greet me back from over there.

I miss the smell of your warmth perfume.

God let it soothe my heart. Always.

Can you still feel emotions?

Can you still remember me?

As I can remember all your kisses on my cheeks

Is my heart still alive within yours?

I know Allah let me feel like you miss me.

I miss you too love.

I miss you too... So much..

"Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return."

Things that I love and love doing

1. God (This is enough for me to love others)

What I love doing to channel out my negative emotions:

1. Books especially philosophy and spirituality genre

2. Poetry or music with abstract lyrics

3. Abstract art

4. Spirituality Photography

5. Maybe sourdhough bread (Struggling right now with making the starter but it's okay to not know. that means I am learning! ^__^ )

Fear

I feel a knife stabbed in my chest;

with disappointment of my heart creation.

I live in my imagination to seek for you;

but you were never there in the first place.

Is that love or just pure insanity?

I wish the depth of the feelings were not my own but someone elses.

Is that you?

Or God disappointment in me?

I fear that I am far away from God's love.

So let me choose myself, 

knowing that you're me.