Dear Mother

 Dear Mother,

What I want to tell you is,

I love you... from the deepest of my heart.

I didn't realize how much I love you.

All of my anger comes from sadness.

The sadness that I kept inside until now.

The sadness that I feel because of your sacrifice.

You sacrifice a lot.

For being my father when my father was not home.

You manage all of my problems effortlessly;

Until I forgot what you had sacrifice for me. 

Also the sadness of seeing you sacrifice your true self,

In front of my eyes. 

You suffer.

It hurts so much seeing that. 

Please dear mother.

Please just be yourself and love yourself before its too late. 

I love you and now it is okay to let go all of that pain and find your true self.

I always understand your sadness in silence.

In my heart I scream I love you so much that it wont fit out of my mouth. 

It's okay to cry it means that you care a lot.

It's not a weakness. 

But for me it's strength. I know you are the strongest person in my life. 

I love you mother... I love you...

--intan 2.30PM 18/12/2022

Between two realms

Peace be upon you.

I hope you can greet me back from over there.

I miss the smell of your warmth perfume.

God let it soothe my heart. Always.

Can you still feel emotions?

Can you still remember me?

As I can remember all your kisses on my cheeks

Is my heart still alive within yours?

I know Allah let me feel like you miss me.

I miss you too love.

I miss you too... So much..

"Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return."

Things that I love and love doing

1. God (This is enough for me to love others)

What I love doing to channel out my negative emotions:

1. Books especially philosophy and spirituality genre

2. Poetry or music with abstract lyrics

3. Abstract art

4. Spirituality Photography

5. Maybe sourdhough bread (Struggling right now with making the starter but it's okay to not know. that means I am learning! ^__^ )

Fear

I feel a knife stabbed in my chest;

with disappointment of my heart creation.

I live in my imagination to seek for you;

but you were never there in the first place.

Is that love or just pure insanity?

I wish the depth of the feelings were not my own but someone elses.

Is that you?

Or God disappointment in me?

I fear that I am far away from God's love.

So let me choose myself, 

knowing that you're me.

Empathic mind

In the silent night,

when all asleep. 

My soul traveled within me.

to the dark pearl that I swallowed long ago. 

The soul brings it into conscious. 

I can feel the river flows again;

As I try to spit it out. 

The soul said "don't spit it out..."

I realized I needed to accept the bitterness of the dark pearl. 

So I chew slowly in acceptance. 

While all the images came through my mind. 

I prayed for the truth. 

The messenger came to me and light it all up with his stories. 

He says "Don't punish them! please! It was not their fault! They didn't know!"

As I can hear other Prophet's voices. 

"Punish them!"

I woke up and said "They didn't know..."

"They didn't know..."

"They didn't know!"

When we learn to  know that others ignorance.

It washes all the pain in the heart. 

The heart can shine with love, 

illuminates the mind. 

That is the first path of truth towards emphatic mind. 

Time travel

 As I time traveled through time,

With you.

It was all perfect.

Not perfect in my head,

But in my heart. 

The love that I cannot understand

 It's always love that makes us do the little things

or the extraordinary things in life. 

Sometimes you get hurt or broke your heart you believe that it cannot be fixed anymore. 

When the times come as you progress to look at life in a different light. 

your heart recovered by the love that you cannot understand. 

You can feel its warmth.

but you can never truly understand it. 

The love of the divine god. 

Miraculously heals everything it touches.

I had been touched by the wonder before. 

But now it leaves such a longing.

Nothing in this world can quench it. 

Only the love that I cannot understand.