Aku melihat sebuah kecintaan.
Helai tawa,
Mata bersinar,
Ibu memasak dengan penuh kasih,
Bapa bekerja dengan penuh tanggungjawab.
Terasa tidak asing bagi aku.
Ketika duniaku ranap.
Mereka membuka ruang rumah untukku.
Hanya Allah mampu membalasnya.
I always wondered how the heart dance.
How it sang its tune before Allah with its true colours shine through.
The light that shines the world.
Oh what a magnificient view.
Such beautiful heart.
Do they exist in this world now?
How I wish to see that one day with this heart.
Hey little one...
You grew a lot in strength.
In love...
You're everything I use to imagine.
I hope you'll find the door of serenity again and again...
Have you ever wonder what love really is?
Is it as simple and clear or complicated?
Is it easy or hard?
To meet God Himself. The Beloved...
That is the way... not to go to His heaven nor hell.
How I wish to meet God.
He who know God never dies. They live forever in the heart.
This is my path. It is not yours.
So please let me be.
God loves me and never want me to go astray.
I believe that.
This is the path of love.
You made it this far and I am so proud of you.
I remember like it was yesterday, you playing with your friends. Riding your cool BMX bicycle your mother bought you. Your first day of school. You got bullied for the first time. Playing video games at your neighbor's house. Then your mother bought you your own Playstation so that you won't have to fight to play. Then you made friends and best friends along the way. You graduated and published some papers. Although you feel like lacking something remember that you've always had fun living your life even if you're not working yet. You don't have to follow other people's 'timeline'. You have your own 'timeline' that God made you, you. Your own special story for you to tell.
From the start you're so smart. You can fix things, build things like cardboard boat that have its own engine. At that time you're just nine! nobody could do that. You have this imagination that could make you want to build something or fix things. Thats special! Now you're learning to ease people's heart. Even you're quiet but you have a compassionate heart. It's expensive to access that these days. Your values, skills. You enjoy doing that. That's your treasure to keep. Helping people write and give them ideas. Even you want to teach others. That is amazing traits that you have.
Now tell me have you even accepted that? Accept that you're special to me. I love you no matter what you did. I still need you in my life forever. Maybe one day other people will need you too. So live your life and enjoy every bits of it. God will heal you as time passes by slowly and naturally. Just enjoy the ride and smile. Hehehe... Go for it!
Love,
Me.
Sometimes life brings sadness,
and sometimes it brings joy.
Together they play together.
sadness give joy space and so do joy.
Together they make this journey of life so meaningful until the afterlife.
Don't forget bravery and fear they too are included in this story.
Bravery cannot live without fear and so do fear.
All of them love and accept each other.
With the help from the rational faculty it brings them balance and peace.
Together it becomes love.
which is the most precious thing that a human can have.
The fuel of the heart burns the spirit.
Isn't that beautiful..?
A journey from God and towards God.
Everything I seek is always with me :)
You,
That I cannot harm,
You're different.
Yet you still feel you're useless.
I stand behind and watched you,
With knife in my hands.
Inches away from you.
watching you murder yourself.
I carried you to safety.
You know that I know.
Something unspeakable.
Although I'm the dangerous thing for you.
You're the world to me.
But I have no words left to penetrate through your soul.
You're near yet you're running away from me.
Am I not your true anymore?
Your love?
I have wept many tears before,
but for You I wept my heart out.
The only love that I had,
opens the door to my heart.
Dear Lord.
You're the most merciful.
Any knowledge cannot save me except You.
You are the light of my life.
The love of my life.
Only You.
Dear Love,
How are you..?
I always remember the way you call my name.
It's annoying but still I miss it a lot.
I can't deny that I am not near physically when you need me to talk to.
I feel bad..
I know that you forgive me.
Like you did every single night.
I miss holding your hand before and after I went out.
I miss how I have to rush just to see if you okay.
I still can remember that day.
I was strong just for you and father.
I did not cry although only Allah knows how I feel.
Now--
My life is different without you here in this realm.
I remember how you would make me happy.
You bought me video games that I love so much.
No one can do that for me.
How it is really hard to write about this...
Love...
I will always remember you in my prayers..
I'm not like you.
but--
I did what I can...
I did what I can...
Thank you so much for taking care of me until now.
I love you so much...
One day, we will meet again InsyaAllah...
If you can read this. Please pray for me if you can still pray over there.
Pray for father too...
He miss you too..
Take care over there love...
Take care.
If it was the last day of my life.
Please forgive me for what I had done.
Before I wrote this I had forgiven all of you for what you had done.
It was hard to accept honestly and I dont know how to explain it.
Please don't ask me over my grave.
If it was my last day.
I just want to be alone with my mind,
together with a pen and paper.
I want to write all of it.
If it was my last day.
I want to sit under a tree without anyone disturbing me.
Maybe just smile at me if you see me so that I can remember them in my next life.
Write to me, place it in a bottle maybe a miracle could make me read it.
If it was my last day to live.
Tell me that you love me with your eyes,
so I could dive one last time into your soul until it was my last breath.
All I am thirsty for all this while is some connection.
If it was my last day to live.
All I need is just to feel my heart.
To feel at peace with myself and smile until I see Him.
A cool wind blew softly.
I saw leaves flying through my window.
It was a sunny and bright.
A day with a gold sight
When was the last time my heart was soft?
Although my mind always went aloft.
I'm not letting myself becomes a monster.
Although I am, I always wanted to walk besides her.
Her inner beauty, a masterpiece, an art!
A girl with the purest heart!
And here I am always standing close on.
With a foul heart.
Longing to learn the secret of the heart.
But how?
Why?
What?
Where do I start?
As I feel hopeless without answers...
"not all things have answers", said the girl.
You just have to feel it here,
As she touch my chest I could feel my heart getting warmer and warmer.
No words can describe the touch of your heart.
You are always there defending me against my own destruction.
If only I know your language.
I'm trying to listen to your feelings.
As I do not have feelings.
I only find every solution without involving you.
Dear heart,
I'm sorry I am cold.
You're always my warmth when there is no solution.
You're loyal although you're a mess.
Messy in an organized way.
Please feel again.
I miss you, my only heart.
The moon to my sun.
My relief when there is no way out.
My path towards salvation.
Dear heart,
please teach me your language.
You are the saviour to this life.
let us work together.
We're equal.
Let us have fun while we're at it okay?
Dear Mother,
What I want to tell you is,
I love you... from the deepest of my heart.
I didn't realize how much I love you.
All of my anger comes from sadness.
The sadness that I kept inside until now.
The sadness that I feel because of your sacrifice.
You sacrifice a lot.
For being my father when my father was not home.
You manage all of my problems effortlessly;
Until I forgot what you had sacrifice for me.
Also the sadness of seeing you sacrifice your true self,
In front of my eyes.
You suffer.
It hurts so much seeing that.
Please dear mother.
Please just be yourself and love yourself before its too late.
I love you and now it is okay to let go all of that pain and find your true self.
I always understand your sadness in silence.
In my heart I scream I love you so much that it wont fit out of my mouth.
It's okay to cry it means that you care a lot.
It's not a weakness.
But for me it's strength. I know you are the strongest person in my life.
I love you mother... I love you...
--intan 2.30PM 18/12/2022
1. God (This is enough for me to love others)
What I love doing to channel out my negative emotions:
1. Books especially philosophy and spirituality genre
2. Poetry or music with abstract lyrics
3. Abstract art
4. Spirituality Photography
5. Maybe sourdhough bread (Struggling right now with making the starter but it's okay to not know. that means I am learning! ^__^ )
In the silent night,
when all asleep.
My soul traveled within me.
to the dark pearl that I swallowed long ago.
The soul brings it into conscious.
I can feel the river flows again;
As I try to spit it out.
The soul said "don't spit it out..."
I realized I needed to accept the bitterness of the dark pearl.
So I chew slowly in acceptance.
While all the images came through my mind.
I prayed for the truth.
The messenger came to me and light it all up with his stories.
He says "Don't punish them! please! It was not their fault! They didn't know!"
As I can hear other Prophet's voices.
"Punish them!"
I woke up and said "They didn't know..."
"They didn't know..."
"They didn't know!"
When we learn to know that others ignorance.
It washes all the pain in the heart.
The heart can shine with love,
illuminates the mind.
That is the first path of truth towards emphatic mind.
As I time traveled through time,
With you.
It was all perfect.
Not perfect in my head,
But in my heart.
