Dear Mother

 Dear Mother,

What I want to tell you is,

I love you... from the deepest of my heart.

I didn't realize how much I love you.

All of my anger comes from sadness.

The sadness that I kept inside until now.

The sadness that I feel because of your sacrifice.

You sacrifice a lot.

For being my father when my father was not home.

You manage all of my problems effortlessly;

Until I forgot what you had sacrifice for me. 

Also the sadness of seeing you sacrifice your true self,

In front of my eyes. 

You suffer.

It hurts so much seeing that. 

Please dear mother.

Please just be yourself and love yourself before its too late. 

I love you and now it is okay to let go all of that pain and find your true self.

I always understand your sadness in silence.

In my heart I scream I love you so much that it wont fit out of my mouth. 

It's okay to cry it means that you care a lot.

It's not a weakness. 

But for me it's strength. I know you are the strongest person in my life. 

I love you mother... I love you...

--intan 2.30PM 18/12/2022

Between two realms

Peace be upon you.

I hope you can greet me back from over there.

I miss the smell of your warmth perfume.

God let it soothe my heart. Always.

Can you still feel emotions?

Can you still remember me?

As I can remember all your kisses on my cheeks

Is my heart still alive within yours?

I know Allah let me feel like you miss me.

I miss you too love.

I miss you too... So much..

"Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return."

Things that I love and love doing

1. God (This is enough for me to love others)

What I love doing to channel out my negative emotions:

1. Books especially philosophy and spirituality genre

2. Poetry or music with abstract lyrics

3. Abstract art

4. Spirituality Photography

5. Maybe sourdhough bread (Struggling right now with making the starter but it's okay to not know. that means I am learning! ^__^ )

Fear

I feel a knife stabbed in my chest;

with disappointment of my heart creation.

I live in my imagination to seek for you;

but you were never there in the first place.

Is that love or just pure insanity?

I wish the depth of the feelings were not my own but someone elses.

Is that you?

Or God disappointment in me?

I fear that I am far away from God's love.

So let me choose myself, 

knowing that you're me.

Empathic mind

In the silent night,

when all asleep. 

My soul traveled within me.

to the dark pearl that I swallowed long ago. 

The soul brings it into conscious. 

I can feel the river flows again;

As I try to spit it out. 

The soul said "don't spit it out..."

I realized I needed to accept the bitterness of the dark pearl. 

So I chew slowly in acceptance. 

While all the images came through my mind. 

I prayed for the truth. 

The messenger came to me and light it all up with his stories. 

He says "Don't punish them! please! It was not their fault! They didn't know!"

As I can hear other Prophet's voices. 

"Punish them!"

I woke up and said "They didn't know..."

"They didn't know..."

"They didn't know!"

When we learn to  know that others ignorance.

It washes all the pain in the heart. 

The heart can shine with love, 

illuminates the mind. 

That is the first path of truth towards emphatic mind. 

Time travel

 As I time traveled through time,

With you.

It was all perfect.

Not perfect in my head,

But in my heart. 

The love that I cannot understand

 It's always love that makes us do the little things

or the extraordinary things in life. 

Sometimes you get hurt or broke your heart you believe that it cannot be fixed anymore. 

When the times come as you progress to look at life in a different light. 

your heart recovered by the love that you cannot understand. 

You can feel its warmth.

but you can never truly understand it. 

The love of the divine god. 

Miraculously heals everything it touches.

I had been touched by the wonder before. 

But now it leaves such a longing.

Nothing in this world can quench it. 

Only the love that I cannot understand. 

More than a sun

You are more than a sun.

That light the path within me;

I was blind and cold in my own darkness.

You make my heart have eyes,

even my eyes are a blurry.

You gave warmth words that brings me back from the brinks of death. 

Only You my life begins and end. 

Only You my Love.

Only You... 

It's About me and what I love about life

    When I was a kid I always love drawing the creatures in the depth of the sea such as cockle, Oyster, fishes, crabs and sharks. I love to draw them so much that I repeatedly draw them when I was in kindergarten. I love animals. I used to have a little black turtle and a green tortoise. They live in an aquarium both of them can live in an aquarium. I didn't know that they live in a different environment back then. Now I realize It was wonderful to know that they can live harmony together in the same place. The turtle's habitat is at the ocean and the tortoise live in near the lake. It's beautiful to know that now. Wow... Other than that, I love cats. There are lots of cat that I used to have. I cannot remember how much but it is a lot! I love their abstract line on their body. I love their sharp eyes and claw and also their muscular thigh and thick fur. Their awkward behavior makes me laugh. I love them a lot especially my current cat Fong. He is my favorite because he is my grandmother's cat. I'm lucky that Allah made me loves cats. They are cute and beautiful in their own way. It's funny how I tried to flush a kitten into a toilet and also tried to throw another into a pond. Maybe I wanted to know does a cat really have 9 life? Although I'm a kid but still my mind is like a scientist always seek for evidence in life. I had forgive myself for behaving that way. 

I remember just now that I used to draw butterfly with weird wings. It's easy to draw them and I love drawing them using colors. I also like catching them using a fish catcher while waiting for the van driver to pick me up to school. Nowadays I don't see butterflies anymore. I also love dragonfly. They are awesome!

I used to look and read books. Especially encyclopedia about animals, Egyptian civilization, world map, the earth elements, minerals, planets and their orbits etc. I really love reading and make observations regarding the world. But my dad always gave away my books including my thick storybooks about frogs and toads. It made me think about how magical this world is and to make me wonder about how magical God is. I remember when I was in primary school I didn't have any friends but when it was recess time, after I quickly ate homemade sandwich from home I went to the library to read books about prophets. I'm scared to ask but I didn't know that I can borrow books but anyway the stories were magical. I never got tired of reading them. I keep wondering about the world until I didn't know that I don't have many friends. I don't care actually. From then on I keep thinking. 

I love thinking, to wonder, to question things. I didn't aware about my emotions until recently. that is why I write about it to let me know myself and what I love in life. I love thinking, writing, wondering, researching also people watching. Its because human is the most complex being that I keep on observing and I just learn the most basic things about us human. I got to know various things about us human such as basic biological process, physiology, anatomy, personalities, psychology, religion, spirituality, relationship and it kept going. There are a lot of things to know about us. 

To get to know the self that consist of the aqal, the nafs and the ruh. "To know the self is to know our creator" I always remind myself about this. To dive from the beauty of the creation into the unknown of creation. That is what I love the most. I did this for me and if I found something so precious in the depth of my knowledge that portrayed the truth I will share with everyone. That is me. Now I realize that I am this kind of person. The truth seeker that wanted to share the precious knowledge of the world. To give the knowledge so that others could chew on needs me to learn about emotions that I left it long time ago. I didn't know It has benefit. Nevertheless now I know. I'm glad I know. It made me softer. So a philosopher like me learn about the mystic of emotions. Funny. Only God can teach me the emotions I need so that I can teach with such love about the knowledge of the unknown. This is only the summary. Thank you for reading.

On the other side of the world

It's funny that the same kind of soul possess opposite path in life. 

On the East, it is the path of the inner world. Spirituality.

On the West it is the path of the outer world. Materialism. 

As you can see it is actually a paradox. 

The west seek the inner depth of soul 

Meanwhile the fools of the east seek the materialism world. Like cattle.

As I see this it broke my heart. Shattered. 

We are human being. 

The same red blood flow in our veins.

The same light given in our soul. 

Yet we tend to break apart due to our differences. 

For me the differences are the reflection of God. 

The depth of everything is the path to God. 

The Accuracy of Wisdom is not in us but only Him.

and-- 

The universe as a whole represents the infinite possibilities of God. 

Only those that can see with the light of God reflect from the heart can see their path,

towards salvation!

Helium

 Do you know that in this world the smallest things matter the most?

I didn't realized it until now. 

I admit that I was wrong but then what is wrong actually? 

It doesn't exist.

Many things doesn't exist actually.

It is just an efficient way for humans to express themselves.

Various expression.

So can we say for example that one are the smartest of all?

Nope-

Everyone is smart in their own way, you just need to open your mind and heart. 

Always the heart that had opened can see even the veil of God.

Such powerful vibration it can give throughout the world. 

So, it must be 'true' then that the smallest things matter the most?

Longing

The chest sometimes feels warmth,

Sometimes it feels the uttering coldness that make a person shriek in agony.

Mine is like blazing fire on the freezing ocean.

Such wretchedness that I long for. 

Such excruciating thirst grows day by day.

Intoxicate my being.

Only the door of death can save me.

To be near the Beloved.

Again- 

The only face that quench me of my thirst.

A cure for the heart

 When you are aware that your heart is ill...

Ask yourself these questions :

1. What is my problem that causes this illness?

After you have known your problem then ask-

2. What is the root cause of this problem?

For example:

If your problem is backbiting. Then you identify the root cause is you cannot avoid backbiting when you're with your friends. Then avoid seeing them to purify your heart. 

Because in this life we want less of these 4 things to purify the heart. 

1. less talk

2. less food

3. less sleep

4. less engagement 

And to add one thing

1. zikr to Allah (remembrance of Allah) 

for example looking at nature and said SubhanAllah what beauty is this? or reading Quran or anything related in remembering Allah. The aftereffect of these will make you calmer, grateful and closer to Allah. It is beautiful. 

Quiet words

Quietly inside

You speak so charmingly inside my heart

As if in my words that can be written with oceans of ink but still-

It wouldn't be enough.

Genuine Love

 As for those who believe and do good, the Most Compassionate will ˹certainly˺ bless them with ˹genuine˺ love. - Maryam 19:96

Morning Dove

 I heard a rhythm in the morning, 

as it reminds me of you. 

You are the warmth in my cold heart,

as if you're alive in me. 

Every moment with you I didn't realize I was adoring you. 

I thought I was respecting you. 

Now I know it's more than that. 

More than my heart can bear.

You soften me in ways only you can do it.

Like silk; warm silk made out of clouds.

Warm like the sun but never harsh on my heart.

Your touch on the hand I feel every day.

I can see that Allah put you into my life to make me a lover,

I was never a lover.

To teach me the ultimate love that would make a man's heart long for the rest of his life. 

To love even after many deaths and live again. 

To make a servant pray for his Lord so that he never forgets everything about her. 

Until one feels like there's a glimpse of the Prophet in her eyes. 

The moon to my heart;

and the morning doves flocking. 

It is just like Allah guides me through your soul inside of me. 

That is you in my mind and heart.

That's how much you mean to me. 

Penyembuh

 Di kala duka,

hati ini meraung ingin disembuhkan.

Jiwa bagai dibakar berulang kali, 

dan hanya engkau dapat memadamkan apinya. 

Ketika aku diam sejenak berfikir,

bagaimana ingin aku melihat jiwa kamu yang begitu dalam tanpa penghujung. 

Apabila aku sedar,

rupanya sepi itu adalah sangat bermakna bagimu. 

Duniamu seperti lautan dalam. 

Sepi itu adalah ubat jiwamu.

Aku sukakan lautan dan kucing,

pastinya kamu juga bagai kucing kesayanganku,

membina harmoni buat kita berdua :) 

Embrace

Remember when we first met?

You were so scared that you talked so much

because its your first time being away with your family.

I dont judge but only laugh silently in my heart.

I didn't expect time move so fast...

Yet you are still here embracing me.

It's like magic

Matahari menjelma

Ucapan terlahir daripada bibirmu,

ketika aku samar-samar melihat dunia.

Terlihat senyuman yang indah terukir,

Mata yang bundar.

Ikhlas hanya untukku.

Love

When I'm this old I realized something.

Love is a sacred ritual.

To be there with someone and at the same time make sacrifices here and there.

To get hurt and still love.

To be faithful and responsible.

To practice every part of life values.

don't forget to respect boudaries.

To learn the lessons in each others personality

Simplify our lives together.

To know God always matters.

And lastly to choose what pain that matters the most to yourself and your significant other.

The pain that create your happiness.

Qalam

 Pernah tak kamu lihat bagaimana sebatang kayu menjadi qalam?

Sebelum kita dapat mencoret idea atau melukis. Kita dapat merasai derita, amarah, kecewa akibat perkataan dalam pemikiran yang membuatkan kita tidak yakin dan pasti dengan apa yang kita mahu ciptakan. 

Pada akhirnya tercipta juga kan?

Daripada sebatang kayu menjadi qalam. 

Kayu tersebut dikeringkan dan dipotong mengikut saiz yang diperlukan. 

Kulitnya pula disiat kikis. 

Akhirnya dibakar hingga muncungnya hitam. 

Saya biarkan saja perkara ini untuk pembaca memikirkan mungkin terdapat persamaan jika kalian celik akal dan hati. 

Untuk membuat sebatang qalam  adalah satu proses emosi yang suci.

Apabila seseorang ingin meraih sesuatu dalam kehidupannya,

dia perlu melalui neraka.

Jika dia berjaya menahan keperitan neraka selama mana dia hidup. 

Dia akan terbiasa dengan neraka sehingga akhirnya keperitan neraka menjadi indah.

Seindah dan manis syurga. 

Daripada proses mencipta qalam terdapat ilham yang kita lupakan. 

Dek kerana keselesaan dunia yang dicipta kapitalis kita tidak lagi menghargai.

Banyak sebenarnya yang aku mahu coretkan.

Kalaulah ada yang sudi membaca aku akan teruskan 

C'est la vie

 I acted like a kid and I realized that now,

through my journey branching from the divine book. 

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that came into my life.

You're good to me... 

that made me realize my inner world.

All of this is by His grace permitted by Him only. 

Thank you...

You matter to me

That's all I can say

C'est la vie 

Until we meet again 

Grand Rising

When I began to crystallize becoming who I was meant to be;

With various chemical experiences in my life mixed together.

By He who is Al-Hakeem. 

I'm becoming aware--

By traveling through the universe in me I found Him. 

I'm just an illusion created by Him.

When I open my eyes I only see Him. 

But still--

I am struggling.

To fill the void in me with light sincerely. 

Oh Lord of the world... please help me.